Transitioning to health and happiness in 2017: Do it for You

On a warm summer afternoon in 2011 I lay prone, face against the floor of my family’s living room carpet in pain with tears welling up in my eyes. A full day’s work on my feet as a Pharmacy Intern at CVS left me defeated and demoralized. A year previous, I herniated a disk in my lower back causing  daily physical and mental anguish for over a year–standing all day was especially agonizing.

Each day after work I laid in this position, wishing I could be comfortable and in the body and mind I used to enjoy.

I’ve previously detailed this struggle and how I eventually overcame the injury and suffering through changing my lifestyle habits. I cut out sugar and red meat, began supplementing with fish oil, went for 40-minute walks daily, and took up meditation as a means to accept my current situation.

In a nearly miraculous fashion, incorporating these habits swung my life pendulum towards pain-free happiness, health, and positive feelings about myself after many days of darkness and despair.

The pendulum swing to health…

Transitioning from an individual who subsisted on pasta and chicken, believing all nutrients could be obtained with supplements, to an individual who understood the complex relationship between inflammation, pain, disease, food, and state-of-mind was a core-rattling, self-shifting experience.

With this newfound understanding, healthy habits became somewhat of a fun competition: How healthy could I get? How many foods could I eliminate to achieve better health (gluten, grains, meat, alcohol)? What other “superfoods” could I incorporate to achieve better health (wheatgrass, apple cider vinegar, turmeric, kefir, etc.)?  How fit and physically chiseled could I be? How present and in control of my emotions could I be?

…and the overshoot

Without even realizing, the health pendulum seemed to swing too far. I became known as the “health” guy among my friends and colleagues which I initially embraced, hoping to become an image for others to look to and count on for stability of healthy practices.

Over the years though, this once beloved title became a guilt-tripping burden–friends teased when I had dessert or when I skipped a workout, I feared returning to see old friends not looking in the most healthful, fit state, and generally, people seemed to grow annoyed with my repeated proclamations of health. But because of the momentum I’d built up for this persona, I felt obligated to uphold it.

Almost as if to spite this artificial duty, an internal resistance was slowly growing against the title and I began to feel apathetic towards efforts to achieve and maintain optimal health. No longer did I enthusiastically eat a green salad or run to the track for a workout. Instead, forceful grit and a self-deprecating monologue overcame the lack of motivation.

Fast forward to 2016 and the picture of health became skewed slightly. In tandem to these negative feelings, recurring incidences of my humanity began to surface as I’ve battled repeated illnesses, had my first medical office visit in over 6 years, and have been constantly fatigued and lethargic.

Maybe it was exercising too much, not getting adequate sleep, missing key nutrients, or dealing with a pressures at work and in my social life that led to these issues. Or maybe it was the act of resisting a natural message from my body–or not even listening.

Regardless, despite my best attempts to achieve and advocate peak health, I failed actually being healthy and well. All of my preaching seemed to be hypocritical, fueling even more stress and anxiety, leaving a feeling of defeat and a fear of losing my image of health.

The second transition to health

In 2011, I made a significant initial swing adopting healthier habits from a relatively unhealthy place. But recently, I recognized that my supposedly healthy habits became too extreme and counterproductive to my being, leaving me sick and tired. Although from an outsider’s perspective, my habits checked all the prescribed boxes (diet, exercise, socialization, etc.), underneath the facade lurked a resistance negatively affecting my own health.

Being the introspective, curious individual that I am, I dug deeper into my core to understand why this resistance was surfacing. And through this exploration, I realized that while I was living a optically healthy life, I didn’t feel it. I didn’t feel overly healthy. I seemed to be neglected.

In truth, I wasn’t caring for myself. Instead, I was caring about an ideal image I wanted to achieve rather than my own needs.

The second transition was the realization that how I feel about myself is paramount.

Am I living a life that aligned to what I really want or am I engaging in activities to maintain an external image? Am I eating nutritious foods and exercising because they make me feel better about myself or because I “had to” to achieve my ideal image?

Through many conversations with amazing individuals and much needed time for personal reflection, an idea settled within me that answered these questions:

• Stop doing things to achieve an ideal if its not what truly makes you happy and filled with joy.
• Take comfort in who your being is.
• Do things that are good for your body because you love yourself.

With that thought, the cloudy skies of my mind began to clear and a healthy peace swept over my body. The realization was profound: this is my life and I should live it in a way that brings fullness, enjoyment, and depth. Through this, health will follow.

Once comfortable with myself and what I wanted in life, every action began to center around nourishing my body, soul, and developing real connections with people.

I stopped training for running races–I only did them to prove to myself I still could. I stopped the incessant need to eat the most healthful foods–some sugar and alcohol can bring joy too. I stopped making small talk–I want to get to know you, like really.

At the present moment, I still am unsure of what exactly I want or how to achieve it, but at least the pendulum is swinging in a positive direction and continuing to build momentum.

Do it for you

If you dislike an activity or if it isn’t bringing fullness, enjoyment, and health, why continue? Is it because you are trying to live up to someone else’s expectation?

I’ve been there. Most of my life has been lived to achieve an expectation which has lead to toxic guilt, anxiety-inducing pressure, and just downright awful feelings about life.

Waking up to each day to battle some internal resistance, not feeling good about yourself is a waste of life and needs to change.

As resolutions for 2017 are considered, remember to be kind to yourself and not let the pendulum swing too far in any direction. Listen to your self and give it what it needs. Do things that bring happiness, health, and provide nourishment.

Do it for you. You deserve it.